We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
