But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
