I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
