So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
