Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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