i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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