I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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