I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
