so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
