Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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