Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
