I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
