New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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