she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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