I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
