Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
