I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
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No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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