My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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