Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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