Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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