this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
