Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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