Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
