What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
