the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
