Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
