You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
