from now on my penis is your penis
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
