i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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