Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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