Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
