I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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