dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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