How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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