She is in my trunk
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
