toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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