I think I won the penis lottery.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
