i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
