Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
