i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
