Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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