i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
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