No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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