Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
