did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
