Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I have aggressive nipples.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
