you would pick up someone in the library
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Randomize
