you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
