im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
