I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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