Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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