here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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