when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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