Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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