she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.