he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.