the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
