Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Fuck appropriateness.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
