I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
