oh god the rape fog is back!
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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