So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
