I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
