I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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