I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
