I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
