I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
